so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
