i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
