Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
