i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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