xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
