You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
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