There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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