Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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