hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
