we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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