ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
