the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Dicks are not precious.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
