im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
