I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
