I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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