I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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