I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
