She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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