My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
