Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
