strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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