the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
