I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
