I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
