tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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