Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
