I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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