Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
