for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
