I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
