its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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