Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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