Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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