They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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