Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
