Don't EVER smell your tampon
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I need a beard to bite.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
