Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just gift wrapped bread.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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