Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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