who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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