aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
