why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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