you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
