Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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