That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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