eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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