chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
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He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
My breasts were aching with rage.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.