when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
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My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
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Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.