a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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