i jhust puked up my retainher.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
