Please, let me fuck your mom
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
