Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
