at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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