1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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