So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
