I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
