i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
