I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
