You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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