Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
