his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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