After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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