i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
